Here at the offices, we’ve rigged up a ticker tape machine to the old email, so whenever we get an email, it prints out on ticker tape. This is the best way to read emails, I assure you. Nikola Tesla would approve.
Anyway, I was descending the spiral staircase when Kate came running up with a long length of ticker tape and pronounced, excitedly, "More hate mail!"
My eyes almost popped out of my head with anticipation as I asked, "Do they make crazy-stupid assumptions on what we look like, are like and live like?"
"Yes," came the reply, "This email has all of that IN SPADES."
So, Kate and I went to the reading room (it's the one with the fireplace) and read aloud from the ticker tape:
" you obviously don't have children. Crocs are great for kids, becasue they're breathable and protect their toes. Kids can put them on themselves, so they are time-saving. Their bright colors also make them fun for kids and make them easy to find.
I think you need to find a hobby or get a job. You need something contructive in which to aim all your energy and aggressions. Are crocs the issue? Or is it your upbringing?? You family life? Were you never loved as a child? Are you ugly? Overweight? There must be some other reason for all your anger and hostility towards a plastic shoe. It's ridiculous, actually. Is this what you've made of your life?? When your life is over, is this the great, awe-inspiring feat that you will say you have accomplished? Is this how you hope to change and make the world a better place?
It seems you have a lot of idle time and a energy. Why don't you find a cause that's worthy of all your time and energy. Volunteer, raise money, go on a missions trip to Guatemala and help with one of the many orphanages. I think you will find that helping the world with positive energy and love will fill the apparent void in your life.
Good luck. "
- Kelly Bauch
I wish to make the following rebuttals:
A) I have 7 children. They are named Anatoly, Zooey, Ophelia, Adi, Viola, Fitzwilliam and Nikola. And each of them despise Crocs.
B) Both Kate and I have jobs and also hobbies. Kate is a train conductor and I work at a chicken factory. Kate's hobbies include standing up for animal rights. My hobbies include hunting wild game.
C) How dare you bring up my upbringing?! I was beaten as a child by plastic shoes because I'm overweight and ugly. This is why I hate Crocs! HOW DARE YOU?
D) With our vast riches, we bought Guatemala yesterday and can safely assure you that there are no longer any orphanages there.
Thank you for your candour!