april is the cruelest month

April is the cruelest month, bringing Crocs back into the daylight from their winter storage places. Yes, with the weather warming up (at least, it is here) Crocs will be back out offending our eyes in no time. We've had it easy over the winter, but now it's time to get your game face on. They're back and they must be stopped.

Kate and I have plans for the summer. First of all, we're going to be making a few more videos of Crocs destruction (finally!). Secondly, we'll have one or two more Crocs-related t-shirt designs in the shoppe. Thirdly, we're going to expand the East wing of the manor.

So, keep your eyes peeled.

In Crocs news, Holed Crocs have been banned from hospital in Rapid City, South Dakota because of health risks.

Also, hide your children because Crocs have come up with a brand new hideous shoe called 'Croclings'. Yeah. Don't vomit too much.




Here is some email from our friend Dorrie Hall, who felt the need to email us three times:

Bah . . . fools that you are. It is said that you can tell a lot about a person by the footwear they choose. My crusty old granny likes the cloth wedge type shoe with her gnarly toes poking out the front confronting the world in a most unattractive way. My uptight Auntie digs the animal skin shoe that has, over the decades, molded her feet to look like Polish sausages. My husband chooses his footwear from the latest SuperStarBasketballHero commercials . . . O' don't worry, the blisters always heal. On the other hand, I enjoy being barefoot and free - hence my affection for the CROC. The assorted colors are a plus, allowing me to chose the color that most agrees with my mood. Today I am Cotton Candy Pink. What color are you? O' sorry they don't make CROCS in . . . Puce.

Puce

English usage dates from 1787. [from the French puce, literally "flea". It is speculated that it refers to the colour of a squashed flea or the colour of a flea full of blood. Another theory is that the colour name comes from the flea's droppings of digested blood, which spread out in deep red stain when water contacts them.

Prunes, which are dried plums, can also be said to be puce coloured.

Thanks for the tip, Dorrie. She went on to say:

don't you have anything better to occupy your time?

This is stupid.

Please bear in mind that we had not responded to her email. Apparently she has nothing better to occupy her time. She wrote a third email:

I get it now . . .

You must be part of that groovy crew that is casting their vote for Sanjaya on American Idol.

Very hip. NOT

Don't worry, everyone. Kate and I get a lot of email from crazy people. At this point, we are mostly used to it.

Lastly, our good friend Courtney has sent us some pictures of Crocs in their natural habitat. Look at them and learn. These are the things we are trying to rid ourselves of.

croc blocking

Good news, everyone. When you Google the word 'Crocs', I HATE CROCS DOT COM comes up as the seventh result. That's fantastic! We're really getting the word out! Kate and I had no idea that we had risen so far until I cruised on over to our Evil Twin site, CROC FANS DOT COM. They are the antagonist and we are the protagonist. Remember that.

Anyway, the following is what they posted over on their site:

Do you love your Crocs? Do you wish others can share in your joy of the comfort Crocs bring? If so, we need your help.

Did you know when you Google “Crocs” Croc Fans . com comes up #9? This is great, but what you may not know is that IHateCrocs.com comes up #7.

This site is devoted eliminating Crocs and have gone as far as recording themselves setting a pair of Crocs on fire. They are even selling t-shirts to try and get their Croc hater message out.

I am doing what I can to promote Crocs and spread the message about these shoes that we love, but I need your help. We need to get CrocFans.com ranking higher than IHateCrocs.com so we can show people there are more Fans than Haters.

What can you do?

Link to Croc Fans . com from your Blogs, MySpace, FaceBook, Blogger Blog, hi5, Xanga, Digg, Technorati and any other website or account you may have.

...

With your help we will burry IHateCrocs.com and rule the world. Ok maybe ruling the world is going a little far, but it will be fun to see what you guys are able to do with a little challenge.

Thanks and we look forward to gaining more Croc Fans with your help! Email us at Crocs@CrocFans.com if you post a link on your site so we can thank you.

As you can see, they are getting more desperate and less competent with the English language as time goes on. We will not let them "burry" us. Whatever the hell that means. We, on the other hand, will take the high road and not encourage you to spam the internet because that would be kind of pathetic of us and also anger Google. They totally hate it when you try and exploit their PageRank system.

heelys, solution and norway

I don't know about you guys, but in addition to hating Crocs, I also hate those shoes that have wheels in them. They're called Heelys and I am always seeing children rolling around in them. I, of course, turn to my children (Xerxes, Zooey and Violet) and tell them firmly that just as they will never wear a pair of Crocs, their feet shall never been tainted by the horrors of a Heely, either. Each of them nod in turn and then I buy them each a small toy of their choosing from the local toy shoppe.

Anyway, back on topic, Kate pulled the following off the ticker tape machine:

Hey fellow croc-haters.

This is Andrew from Cape Town, South Africa. Sadly the terrible demise of brain capacity is beginning here as well. Alas the dreaded crocs have begun the infestation of my beautiful country, all is lost. The once beautiful vistas of Cape Town are now ruined by hundreds of revolting, coloured and nauseating excuses for footwear. The rot must be stopped, if the crocs have reached even here then there is, I guess, not much hope left for humanity. I always thought that Africa would be spared this plague, however it seems there is now one more addition to this continent’s long list of problems: war, death, famine, pestilence and the croc.

Let us not despair too much; the anti-croc resistance has started here now too. I have come up with the final solution. We must be strong and merciless, none can stand in the way of this blessed crusade. All of us haters of the croc must cleanse the streets of this multi-coloured plague. All wearers of the croc must be rounded up, forced to hand over their footwear and sent to remote reeducation camps where their degenerate attitudes can be changed to more normal and socially responsible ones. The offensive footwear must be treated in a similar manner of nuclear waste (they probably have a longer effective half life than plutonium anyway) that is, they should be encased in concrete and either recycled to more useful applications like pencil erasers or buried underground so that no one can look upon their kind again. The inventors of the croc must be sent to the world court to stand for crimes against humanity. We must protect future generations from this scourge. Tomorrow will thank us.

Thanks for all the hard work and long hours spend creating this much needed forum against crocs in all their bestial and hideous forms.

Remember, we here at IHATECROCS don't condone or endorse any final solutions. We believe in peaceful negotiations and protest.

We also have gotten word that Crocs have been banned from a hospital in Norway. Or, rather, that is what the person who emailed us the link said. We can't actually read the article, as we do not speak Norwegian. However, many of you who visit our site are from Norway, so chances are that you will be able to enjoy this article as we cannot.

It is HERE.

Email us tips on hunting wild game at IHATECROCS [at] GMAIL [dot] COM.

cite it

Well, here we go again with a new product in the shoppe that is entirely unrelated to Crocs. Sorry. Maybe you'll like it, anyway, though. It is something that Kate said, which caused me to say, "THAT HAS TO BE ON A SHIRT." And Kate told me to stop yelling, because we were in our private library and I'm supposed to use my library voice in there.

Anyway, we have man and lady shirts with words on the chest. The words are 'Stick that up your essay and cite it.'

Here is a helpful link to the store.

Email us your thoughts HERE.

hate mail contest

The following bit of hate mail honestly filled me with utter joy. It follows the hate mail submission guidelines TO THE LETTER. Enjoy! I proclaim this the best hate mail of all time unless one you can top it. Yes, that is a challenge.

I am officially announcing the first hate mail contest! Send in the very finest hate mail you can muster, with the subject line 'hate mail contest submission' and you could win your very own TOP SECRET prize, mailed to you directly from IHATECROCS headquarters and made with love by yours truly and also Kate, the other half of this site.

Hating crocs is just like hating anything else, un-American! Mater of
fact, it might even make you racist. You should love your shoes of any
color if you were a real American. I am sure you really don't mean
that and this hatred is masking something far deeper.
You are probably just suffering from hillbillyosis. In your heart of
hearts, you despise when anyone makes you or your children wear shoes
of any sort. You feel anger when you see those signs "no shirt, no
shoes, no service". You wish that your grimy white trash children
could roam the trailer court in there bare feet as young ones were
meant to. You know that the health department is a partner in the plot
to force you to ignore your inner desires to playfully cavort sans
shoes with some silly rumor of spreading disease. Wearing shoes also
forces you to clip their toenails on at least an annual basis. Without
shoes, they would wear down naturally.
You are probably also suffering from a side psychosis resulting from
negative peer pressure in your brief education. Dropping out in the
third grade was no doubt the result of the constant heckling by the
cool kids in your school. You thought it was caused by your calloused
bare feet on your eight little sisters, but it probably was the
combination of bringing the pig to school and later Jimmy revealing
that it was your uncle's new girlfriend. His in class demonstration of
man / pig loving was probably too much for that citified teacher.
So in summary, as I know your attention span has been shortened by
severe malnutrition, get some therapy. Use a real therapist this time,
not stupid Bobby, as he will agree to anything and declare you healed
by snakes. With enough therapy, you too can wear crocs like the cool
kids.

Will

1. We're Canadian.

2. You're right about everything else.