april is the cruelest month

April is the cruelest month, bringing Crocs back into the daylight from their winter storage places. Yes, with the weather warming up (at least, it is here) Crocs will be back out offending our eyes in no time. We've had it easy over the winter, but now it's time to get your game face on. They're back and they must be stopped.

Kate and I have plans for the summer. First of all, we're going to be making a few more videos of Crocs destruction (finally!). Secondly, we'll have one or two more Crocs-related t-shirt designs in the shoppe. Thirdly, we're going to expand the East wing of the manor.

So, keep your eyes peeled.

In Crocs news, Holed Crocs have been banned from hospital in Rapid City, South Dakota because of health risks.

Also, hide your children because Crocs have come up with a brand new hideous shoe called 'Croclings'. Yeah. Don't vomit too much.




Here is some email from our friend Dorrie Hall, who felt the need to email us three times:

Bah . . . fools that you are. It is said that you can tell a lot about a person by the footwear they choose. My crusty old granny likes the cloth wedge type shoe with her gnarly toes poking out the front confronting the world in a most unattractive way. My uptight Auntie digs the animal skin shoe that has, over the decades, molded her feet to look like Polish sausages. My husband chooses his footwear from the latest SuperStarBasketballHero commercials . . . O' don't worry, the blisters always heal. On the other hand, I enjoy being barefoot and free - hence my affection for the CROC. The assorted colors are a plus, allowing me to chose the color that most agrees with my mood. Today I am Cotton Candy Pink. What color are you? O' sorry they don't make CROCS in . . . Puce.

Puce

English usage dates from 1787. [from the French puce, literally "flea". It is speculated that it refers to the colour of a squashed flea or the colour of a flea full of blood. Another theory is that the colour name comes from the flea's droppings of digested blood, which spread out in deep red stain when water contacts them.

Prunes, which are dried plums, can also be said to be puce coloured.

Thanks for the tip, Dorrie. She went on to say:

don't you have anything better to occupy your time?

This is stupid.

Please bear in mind that we had not responded to her email. Apparently she has nothing better to occupy her time. She wrote a third email:

I get it now . . .

You must be part of that groovy crew that is casting their vote for Sanjaya on American Idol.

Very hip. NOT

Don't worry, everyone. Kate and I get a lot of email from crazy people. At this point, we are mostly used to it.

Lastly, our good friend Courtney has sent us some pictures of Crocs in their natural habitat. Look at them and learn. These are the things we are trying to rid ourselves of.

croc blocking

Good news, everyone. When you Google the word 'Crocs', I HATE CROCS DOT COM comes up as the seventh result. That's fantastic! We're really getting the word out! Kate and I had no idea that we had risen so far until I cruised on over to our Evil Twin site, CROC FANS DOT COM. They are the antagonist and we are the protagonist. Remember that.

Anyway, the following is what they posted over on their site:

Do you love your Crocs? Do you wish others can share in your joy of the comfort Crocs bring? If so, we need your help.

Did you know when you Google “Crocs” Croc Fans . com comes up #9? This is great, but what you may not know is that IHateCrocs.com comes up #7.

This site is devoted eliminating Crocs and have gone as far as recording themselves setting a pair of Crocs on fire. They are even selling t-shirts to try and get their Croc hater message out.

I am doing what I can to promote Crocs and spread the message about these shoes that we love, but I need your help. We need to get CrocFans.com ranking higher than IHateCrocs.com so we can show people there are more Fans than Haters.

What can you do?

Link to Croc Fans . com from your Blogs, MySpace, FaceBook, Blogger Blog, hi5, Xanga, Digg, Technorati and any other website or account you may have.

...

With your help we will burry IHateCrocs.com and rule the world. Ok maybe ruling the world is going a little far, but it will be fun to see what you guys are able to do with a little challenge.

Thanks and we look forward to gaining more Croc Fans with your help! Email us at Crocs@CrocFans.com if you post a link on your site so we can thank you.

As you can see, they are getting more desperate and less competent with the English language as time goes on. We will not let them "burry" us. Whatever the hell that means. We, on the other hand, will take the high road and not encourage you to spam the internet because that would be kind of pathetic of us and also anger Google. They totally hate it when you try and exploit their PageRank system.

heelys, solution and norway

I don't know about you guys, but in addition to hating Crocs, I also hate those shoes that have wheels in them. They're called Heelys and I am always seeing children rolling around in them. I, of course, turn to my children (Xerxes, Zooey and Violet) and tell them firmly that just as they will never wear a pair of Crocs, their feet shall never been tainted by the horrors of a Heely, either. Each of them nod in turn and then I buy them each a small toy of their choosing from the local toy shoppe.

Anyway, back on topic, Kate pulled the following off the ticker tape machine:

Hey fellow croc-haters.

This is Andrew from Cape Town, South Africa. Sadly the terrible demise of brain capacity is beginning here as well. Alas the dreaded crocs have begun the infestation of my beautiful country, all is lost. The once beautiful vistas of Cape Town are now ruined by hundreds of revolting, coloured and nauseating excuses for footwear. The rot must be stopped, if the crocs have reached even here then there is, I guess, not much hope left for humanity. I always thought that Africa would be spared this plague, however it seems there is now one more addition to this continent’s long list of problems: war, death, famine, pestilence and the croc.

Let us not despair too much; the anti-croc resistance has started here now too. I have come up with the final solution. We must be strong and merciless, none can stand in the way of this blessed crusade. All of us haters of the croc must cleanse the streets of this multi-coloured plague. All wearers of the croc must be rounded up, forced to hand over their footwear and sent to remote reeducation camps where their degenerate attitudes can be changed to more normal and socially responsible ones. The offensive footwear must be treated in a similar manner of nuclear waste (they probably have a longer effective half life than plutonium anyway) that is, they should be encased in concrete and either recycled to more useful applications like pencil erasers or buried underground so that no one can look upon their kind again. The inventors of the croc must be sent to the world court to stand for crimes against humanity. We must protect future generations from this scourge. Tomorrow will thank us.

Thanks for all the hard work and long hours spend creating this much needed forum against crocs in all their bestial and hideous forms.

Remember, we here at IHATECROCS don't condone or endorse any final solutions. We believe in peaceful negotiations and protest.

We also have gotten word that Crocs have been banned from a hospital in Norway. Or, rather, that is what the person who emailed us the link said. We can't actually read the article, as we do not speak Norwegian. However, many of you who visit our site are from Norway, so chances are that you will be able to enjoy this article as we cannot.

It is HERE.

Email us tips on hunting wild game at IHATECROCS [at] GMAIL [dot] COM.

cite it

Well, here we go again with a new product in the shoppe that is entirely unrelated to Crocs. Sorry. Maybe you'll like it, anyway, though. It is something that Kate said, which caused me to say, "THAT HAS TO BE ON A SHIRT." And Kate told me to stop yelling, because we were in our private library and I'm supposed to use my library voice in there.

Anyway, we have man and lady shirts with words on the chest. The words are 'Stick that up your essay and cite it.'

Here is a helpful link to the store.

Email us your thoughts HERE.

hate mail contest

The following bit of hate mail honestly filled me with utter joy. It follows the hate mail submission guidelines TO THE LETTER. Enjoy! I proclaim this the best hate mail of all time unless one you can top it. Yes, that is a challenge.

I am officially announcing the first hate mail contest! Send in the very finest hate mail you can muster, with the subject line 'hate mail contest submission' and you could win your very own TOP SECRET prize, mailed to you directly from IHATECROCS headquarters and made with love by yours truly and also Kate, the other half of this site.

Hating crocs is just like hating anything else, un-American! Mater of
fact, it might even make you racist. You should love your shoes of any
color if you were a real American. I am sure you really don't mean
that and this hatred is masking something far deeper.
You are probably just suffering from hillbillyosis. In your heart of
hearts, you despise when anyone makes you or your children wear shoes
of any sort. You feel anger when you see those signs "no shirt, no
shoes, no service". You wish that your grimy white trash children
could roam the trailer court in there bare feet as young ones were
meant to. You know that the health department is a partner in the plot
to force you to ignore your inner desires to playfully cavort sans
shoes with some silly rumor of spreading disease. Wearing shoes also
forces you to clip their toenails on at least an annual basis. Without
shoes, they would wear down naturally.
You are probably also suffering from a side psychosis resulting from
negative peer pressure in your brief education. Dropping out in the
third grade was no doubt the result of the constant heckling by the
cool kids in your school. You thought it was caused by your calloused
bare feet on your eight little sisters, but it probably was the
combination of bringing the pig to school and later Jimmy revealing
that it was your uncle's new girlfriend. His in class demonstration of
man / pig loving was probably too much for that citified teacher.
So in summary, as I know your attention span has been shortened by
severe malnutrition, get some therapy. Use a real therapist this time,
not stupid Bobby, as he will agree to anything and declare you healed
by snakes. With enough therapy, you too can wear crocs like the cool
kids.

Will

1. We're Canadian.

2. You're right about everything else.

hatemail submission: accepted

Finally, some of you are following the hate mail submission guidelines. When the following came off the ticker tape machine, I was pretty pleased. There are vague threats! The subject line: 'You guys make me sick!' Check it out, guys.

Your distain for Crocs is one of the most appalling attempts at publicity I have ever seen!

I am a loving father of 4 all the way from New Zealand & my kids (+ my wife and I), think that crocs are the most comfortable and coolest shoes on the market. We used to all wear Teva sandals, but when the kids outgrew their last pairs it coincided with the release of Crocs in New Zealand. We all got bright red ones (except for my eldest boy - who opted for blue), and we have never received more positive comments from people in our lives!

How dare you offend my wife and children with you mindless insults! You say on your web site that crocs are 'ugly, foul-smelling and make everything feel hopeless and dank' - are you saying that my children are hopeless and dank? You guys are pathetic excuses for humans. I bet that your own miserable existences are the only reason you feel it necessary to bring other people down. Do you still lynch people where you come from from being 'different'? - because where I come from originality is embraced!

Get over yourselves, grow up and kill the website - because if my children feel even a hint of repercussions from your 'crusade' - it won't be just an email I'll be sending you!

Ian Straka

1. Appalling attempts at publicity? Do you guys have Paris Hilton in New Zealand?

2. The positive comments were probably tongue in cheek. You know, like, "HAHAHA. Oh man. Those shoes are NOT hideous. They did NOT make me vomit shortly before you arrived."

3. Yes, we are saying that your children are hopeless and dank. Someone had to say it.

4. You hit the nail on the head. We are pathetic excuses for human beings and our existences are miserable. Now, if you'll excuse me, Kate and I are going to play water polo in our Olympic-sized swimming pool. And make out under the bleachers.

5. Yes, you are very original. You and the millions of other people who own Crocs are very unique. The millions of you are real rebels. Unlike us conformists. With shoes that don't look ungodly stupid.

6. What will you be sending us? Is it a severed head? Is it a bomb? Is it candy? Flowers? The suspense is killing us.

Thanks for writing, Ian. That was fun. I like people who read the hatemail submission guidelines. They make emails more interesting.

WARNING, INCOMING GAME

Sometimes people will write us and say, 'Hey, Vincenzo and Kate. How come you guys have no lives?' And you know, we have to take issue with that. We have lives! Kate is an art student and I am a journalism student. We work hard at school and also at our respective jobs. We have friends and families, just like all of you. We don't just hang out in the IHATECROCS offices all day, reading from the ticker tape and drawing funny things on the Post-It notes.

No, sometimes we like to take a break from the offices and take walks on the grounds of our estate, talking about old TV shows we used to watch. Like the Powerpuff Girls or Hey Arnold.

A few days ago, in fact, we were doing just that. We had just strolled past our horse enclosure when I mentioned the old TV show, ReBoot. It was about the 'people' that live inside your computer. They fought viruses and whenever the 'user' put in a game to play, the people would have to be the AI of your games. They had these circular things on their chests that they would tap twice and say 'REBOOT'. I suggested that we make those things into buttons, for other Canadians who remembered the show fondly and wanted to have a ReBooter on their chest to tap twice and say 'REBOOT'.

This is all just a round-about way of explaining why there are two new buttons available for purchase in the IHATECROCS shop that have nothing to do with hating Crocs. We're sorry if it blows your mind.

Here is a helpful link to the shop, if you want to check it out.

giblets and boring hatemail

A friend of the site, Danielle, recently emailed us to tell us that the woman who invented "Jibbitz" was on Oprah. Also, a lot of you have been emailing us urging us to call attention to them. For those of you who do not know what "Jibbitz" are, they are little things that people place in the holes of their Crocs to make them even uglier. The uglier they are, the better, I guess. I've been calling them 'giblets', which is apparently wrong. I guess giblets are little bits of turkey or something. I don't know.

Anyway, Jibbitz on Oprah. I didn't see it, but HERE IS HOW I IMAGINE IT WENT DOWN.

WOMAN: HAHAHA I INVENTED GIBLETZ.

OPRAH: HAHAHA FEELINGS.

WOMAN: I'M RICH.

OPRAH: BOOK CLUB.

WOMAN: HAHAHAHAHA.

OPRAH: HAHAHAHAHA.

HATEMAIL SUBMISSION GUIDELINES:

Be creative about it, guys. Make it interesting for us. Don't just tell us you're not interested in our opinion and then immediately tell us yours. It's what we expect! Make personal attacks! It doesn't matter if you don't know anything about us! Make up traits in your mind and then attack them. We are getting sick of reading the same thing over and over.

Here is today's extremely boring hatemail:

Elisha says:
Like I care about your opinion. The fact that you waste your time on this is sad!

And here is something from Kirsty_xo (might not be her real name):
Crocs= Satan in the form of a shoe

So anyway! I saw this lady in town wearing red Crocs, I nearly had got a hernia they were frickin' disgusting!! Crocs have finally hit Northern Ireland! I knew this day would come I just didn't think it would be so soon!

So later that month a Croc stall opened outside the foot court in our shopping centre (mall to the Americans) and there were 4 people working there ALL WEARING CROCS!!! So i ran over threw a blue Croc boot on the ground and ran away scared in case they molested my feet with their ugly demonic rubber feet coverers.

I am done.

hate mail - our favourite

Here at the offices, we’ve rigged up a ticker tape machine to the old email, so whenever we get an email, it prints out on ticker tape. This is the best way to read emails, I assure you. Nikola Tesla would approve.

Anyway, I was descending the spiral staircase when Kate came running up with a long length of ticker tape and pronounced, excitedly, "More hate mail!"

My eyes almost popped out of my head with anticipation as I asked, "Do they make crazy-stupid assumptions on what we look like, are like and live like?"

"Yes," came the reply, "This email has all of that IN SPADES."

So, Kate and I went to the reading room (it's the one with the fireplace) and read aloud from the ticker tape:

" you obviously don't have children. Crocs are great for kids, becasue they're breathable and protect their toes. Kids can put them on themselves, so they are time-saving. Their bright colors also make them fun for kids and make them easy to find.

I think you need to find a hobby or get a job. You need something contructive in which to aim all your energy and aggressions. Are crocs the issue? Or is it your upbringing?? You family life? Were you never loved as a child? Are you ugly? Overweight? There must be some other reason for all your anger and hostility towards a plastic shoe. It's ridiculous, actually. Is this what you've made of your life?? When your life is over, is this the great, awe-inspiring feat that you will say you have accomplished? Is this how you hope to change and make the world a better place?

It seems you have a lot of idle time and a energy. Why don't you find a cause that's worthy of all your time and energy. Volunteer, raise money, go on a missions trip to Guatemala and help with one of the many orphanages. I think you will find that helping the world with positive energy and love will fill the apparent void in your life.

Good luck. "

- Kelly Bauch

I wish to make the following rebuttals:

A) I have 7 children. They are named Anatoly, Zooey, Ophelia, Adi, Viola, Fitzwilliam and Nikola. And each of them despise Crocs.

B) Both Kate and I have jobs and also hobbies. Kate is a train conductor and I work at a chicken factory. Kate's hobbies include standing up for animal rights. My hobbies include hunting wild game.

C) How dare you bring up my upbringing?! I was beaten as a child by plastic shoes because I'm overweight and ugly. This is why I hate Crocs! HOW DARE YOU?

D) With our vast riches, we bought Guatemala yesterday and can safely assure you that there are no longer any orphanages there.

Thank you for your candour!

ihatecrocs orders

Just a reminder that if you live in the US or Canada and want to buy a shirt, now is the time. The free shipping for orders of over $15 deal is ending on the 31st of January and it is the 26th today. I go to Journalism school and I suck at math, so bear with me while I count on my fingers how many days that is. I think it's five.

So, if you make an order over $15 and don't want to pay shipping, just punch in coupon code FREESHIPPING07. HERE IS A HELPFUL LINK TO THE SHOP FOR YOUR CONVENIENCE AND SUBSEQUENT PERUSAL.

Look, everyone! Those hideous Crocs rain boots and Disney Crocs. I think we've entered into a new circle of Hell. Dante couldn't even conceive of it.

emails from fans

Here are some emails we've received and read. Kate and I print them out and read them to each other by the fireplace in our new offices, whilst sipping hot cocoa. We have a lot of office supplies in our new offices. To do work. We also have two cotton candy machines and a talking dog.

Bill says:
Sad to say... but I was a Crocs rep for about a year. They are the slimmest bunch of moneygrubbers ever to walk the earth. They never paid me, and now I’m in a class action law suit with them.


Beiha says:
I admire your website. I do a sport called Dragon Boat racing and unfortunately all the other teams we compete against have taken to wearing crocs. Luckily our coach told us that anyone in our team who started wearing them should be shot. Why would anyone wear them as a fashion item? I thought they were ugly gardening shoes.


Sheryl says:
I USED to be neutral about Crocs. After a horrible sight at the mall, never in my life I'll afford a Crocs in my house again. An afternoon, my friends and I were at a mall. While we were there, there was a rather pretty looking lady in her twenties. However, what she wore was unbelievable! To start off, brightly coloured orange crocs, simply blinding, with matching orange shirt and skirt! The fact that people are staring at her is a laughing matter. Add a red nose and she's qualify for being a clown! We laughed our heads off! She gave us a glare and stomped off. I mean, she should have checked in the mirror what she was wearing before she left the house. Geez, not only are Crocs spoiling the fashion in shoes but in clothes as well!


Katy says:
I have the BEST crocs horror story EVER!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
YOU GUYS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
I think that what you say is wrong. crocs have even saved the lives of innocent little toddlers. I am NOT just saying this to bug you, but crocs are here to stay. In fact, the song "beautiful" sums them up best. WE ARE BEAUTIFUL, NO MATTER WHAT YOU SAY, 'CAUSE WORDS CAN'T BRING US DOWN. SO DON'T YOU BRING ME DOWN TODAY. someday, i am going to create a site called ihateihatecrocs.com
badbye

AH MY EYES DOT COM

Before I Hate Crocs (dot) Com came about, I only had my webcomic to vent my frustrations against the holey foes. The following comics predate the birth of I Hate Crocs (dot) Com only slightly! I think maybe a week or two.

international recognition

A little while ago (September), Kate and I were asked to write an argument against Crocs for a debate page in a newspaper called Emirates Today. We obliged and on September 15th, our anti-crocs article was published.

We wrote it equal parts! She wrote three hundred words and I wrote three hundred words and then I put them together. Like a smoothie.

Long overdue, but here it is (click to make it big enough to actually read):

first post on the new blog

Hello!

We've got a blog, now. Finally. This will allow us to keep you posted more easily and quickly! Shazaam! Don't worry, though, the rest of the site is still around. If you will turn your eyes to the right, you will see 'links'. That's the rest of the site! The store, the FAQs, the video and all that.

Speaking of the store, you can get FREE STANDARD SHIPPING to the US and Canada by using the coupon code FREESHIPPING07. The code expires at the end of this month, so if you've been waiting to buy a shirt or something, now is the time to buy. It will never be cheaper than it is right now!



Below there are two interview transcripts from recent interviews Kate and I have given. The first is with both of us, the second is just with me, Vincenzo. So, enjoy!

INTERVIEW THE FIRST FEATURING KATE AND VINCENZO

Why do you Hate Crocs so much?

Kate: We hate Crocs for the same reason that people hate mildew: they're ugly, foul-smelling and make everything feel hopeless and dank. Crocs offend the eyes of those with even the loosest grip on common sense. They must be stopped.

Have you ever worn Crocs, if so what was it like?

Kate: I haven't, nor do I have any desire to. If looking at them is so painful, I can barely imagine wearing them.
Vincenzo: I tried on my friend's pair, just to see. They're not that comfortable and they caused my eyes to scream. Anyone who says they're comfortable enough to compensate for their extreme ugliness is clearly delirious. There's a lot of cult-like behavior.

Would you ever wear Crocs?

Kate: No. Not under any circumstances.

Can you explain the history of the website ie when and why it was started etc.

Kate: The website was started in August of this year (2006) because Vincenzo and I really couldn't take it any more. Our closest friends and allies were turning to the dark side of fashion. We recognized the epidemic and knew we had to put up a front. The website is a pile of sandbags in a torrential flood of distaste.

Why make a video of burning Crocs?

Vincenzo: Because Kate and I thought it would be a rip-roaring good time. And it was very fun. We laughed, many of the people who saw it laughed and the deluded Croc enthusiasts shook their head in disgust. A good time for all concerned.

How much are the T-Shirts you sell? How many do you sell?

Kate: The t-shirts are around $15-25. They vary depending on size and style. We sell them through Spreadshirt.com and don't have much control over the pricing. We've sold over fifty so far.

Why have a myspace and a website?

Vincenzo: The website came first. The MySpace came about because we wanted to get the word out and collect friends with which to build a vast army.

Why should people pay for your charity and besides burning Crocs what have or will you do to destroy them?

Kate: Well, thus far we've had no donations, but there's always hope. We have a few plans in mind for other ways to destroy Crocs, but we don't have the luxurious access to the camera we used for the first one any more. Once we do, we're thinking "trains."

INTERVIEW THE SECOND FEATURING JUST VINCENZO

Why did you start the website, and what motivated you to create an entire website devoted to hating Crocs?

Vincenzo: When I first saw Crocs, I just made fun of them with my friend Matt. We thought they were extremely ugly and wondered if the holes were for aerodynamics. However, the only person wearing them was just some weird guy, so I didn't really pay much mind. Then, shortly after, they grew more popular. Suddenly, Matt has a pair. It was like a zombie movie. My friend Kate didn't like them, either and she was talking about their ugliness in one of her LiveJournal entries. Her entry inspired me to buy ' IHATECROCS.com', right then. When I told her about it, she volunteered to design the site and I was pleased, because Kate is a graphic design genius. She does the vast majority of the work on the site.

When did you start the website and when and from whom did the T-shirt and merchandise ideas come from?

V: I purchased the domain on July 21. There was a little placeholder image for a while. I'm not sure when the site was actually up, but I know we got our first email on the 30th. We were psyched. Now we get more mail than we care to respond to. We still read it all, though. People should really stop sending us articles about kids who get their feet chewed up by escalators as a result of Crocs. We're aware of it. It's awful. I'm pretty sure that I broached the topic of t-shirts. My design was the first one up, I believe.

Do you think the website has grown in popularity and, if so, do you think it will continue to grow in popularity?

V: Well, we look at the hits and it has grown in popularity. Quite a lot of people visit the site. I don't know if the site will continue to grow in popularity. Hopefully there won't be a need for the site for much longer. Winter is coming, so the Crocs will go away. If they're back next summer, you can bet that we'll be back.

Do you get a lot of opposition from those who like Crocs or from those who design them?

V: Nothing from the actual Crocs company. We'd love to get their reaction. Sometimes we get vaguely hateful mail. Mostly it's stuff like, "omg ther s0 comfotrable", which we can't even read. Sometimes we'll get something like 'u sux' and that pains us deeply. I cry myself to sleep sometimes.

Seriously, the vast majority of the mail we get is positive. Someone will thank us for making them laugh and that's really what our intent is. We also get some crazy people who say they're going to steal someone else's Crocs and burn them, which is not something we encourage. Theft and violence are not to be used in the war against Crocs.

Most of the opposition comes in the form of arguments for the comfort of Crocs. The other stuff is usually just allegations that we wish we invented Crocs or that we have little to no lives. Some of it is really funny. We would absolutely adore it if someone were to start IHATEIHATECROCS.com.

Finally, what are your future plans for the website and for Croc destruction?

V:We'd like to make another video. Our plan is to run over Crocs with a train, but we haven't been able to procure a camera. We were thinking about a book of some kind. Either self-help for those poor saps who own Crocs or a survival guide for those who have retained their sanity. We're both fairly busy with other projects, however. We update when we can.